please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
