dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
