Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
