i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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