Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
