By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize