So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
