Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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