I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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