What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
