normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
