"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
