i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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