Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
