So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I puked a lego.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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