I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
