he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
