I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize