Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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