That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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