wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
