I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize