well I can't set my house on fire every night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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