When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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