I just cut my nipple shaving
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
