everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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