I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
