If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
