seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
