she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
