Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
