PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
