im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
