yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
