I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
