So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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