he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
