who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
