The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
