I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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