I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
