She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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