Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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