bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
