my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
