If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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