i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
