im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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