Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
