Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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