We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
