I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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