Don't make out with my wife yet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
handjob tips. give me some.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
