she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
