I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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