I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
